Yuck!

I really need to post here more! I wish I had a laptop, then I could sit anywhere and type instead of just at my stupid desk. I have been thinking lately.............I like being intelligent and everything, it's just sometimes I wish I were normal. I know with intelligence comes mental illness and it would be sort of nice to see how people without it live. I know maybe I would lose some of my intelligence but maybe it would be worth it to see how the other half lives..........It's a catch 22. ICK! I am supposed to be going shopping with my mom in a few minutes and when I made plans to go with her I was energetic, now I am not so much. I hate not being energetic, that is the worst thing about being fat/depressed/inactive. Oh, well, I suppose if I make myself I will feel better plus I can pick up the few things I have been wanting to get but too lazy to go get. Please..........Happiness, come my way!!

I LOVE YOU MAN

I love you, you really should post more. Thanks for always being there when I need you.

Feeling out of sorts..........

OK, today was an okay day I guess............but I am feeling weird. Not horrible or anything, just weird. I was up to my mom's and we were trying on clothes........it makes me feel awful that I have gained some of my weight back and I can't stop thinking about it. But on the other hand,I can't seem to control it lately. I have bought a book that I think will help alot plus I am still exercising, which is really good! I hope so much that I can lose weight and just be healthy and not worry so much about a stupid number! YUCK!

Then I sort of got into a small argument with Ben, which I immediately felt bad about. I think he thinks I think he is dumb or something...............which makes me feel awful because I am sure I do make him feel that way sometimes but it's really not true. I don't think he's dumb at all..........I hate life sometimes........I really need to write here more though! MOTIVATION! It's what I need the most of! =o) Now I am off to write in Jae's blog..........=o)

Feeling okay..............

This title thing is weird.........like I can't always think of a title every time..........oh, well. Things went ok this weekend, I guess. Ben didn't get home until like 7 last night. We talked on his cell phone all of yesterday, though, and argued the whole time. Sometimes I feel like I just don't say the right words to him, I mean something and he thinks I mean something totally different. Like for instance, he thinks going to strip clubs is not cheating. For obvious reasons, I feel differently. And then he got angry at me because he thought I meant it was okay for women to go to them but not men. And that is not what I meant, I don't agree with anyone going to them, I think it is a form of cheating no matter who you are. Finally I got him to understand what I meant but it was like, geez. Communication block from hell. Okay, well, I am going on vacation on Wed, Thurs., Fri. Going to Lancaster. Hope it turns out okay. I am going to be meeting Ben's old friends.............kind of upset that I am fat........and not where I was weight wise this time last year......I just wish most of all that I didn't feel like a failure............why, why, oh why can't I be thin? I wish I could control my weight so my appearance would make me happy and proud! Having a writer's block of some sort tonight, I will try to write tomorrow.

Where do I go from here??

Well, I am trying to figure out where to go with my life.............I know I want to actually *do* something, have a career that I like............but what? And how do I get there? I feel like I could be so successful, I know I will, once I find my true calling there will be no stopping me........ I wish I could get more motivation for exercise and eating though..............the motivation I had, last year, was awesome. Well, ok, maybe a little unhealthy but I saw great results! I just want to be healthy............and normal. Why is that so difficult to achieve? Well, now I am rambling because I am getting tired. I have to go fold a load of laundry and then go to bed. I am going to try to write in my blog more often, it might help me! Ta-ta!

What a day!

Well, here I am, starting my own blog. Got the idea off one of my dear friends! =o) Today was one of those days! Everything was going ok, got up this morning, got my energy level up to go mow the lawn, it is really long. As soon as I started mowing, the damn wheel fell off. I don't know how to fix things like this and, of course, no one was around who could help. I got so frustrated, not just about the wheel but about everything, that I started to cry. It was a really emotional couple of hours. I had a mini temper tantrum, throwing tools and acting like a baby, which I immediately regretted. So, what did I do then? Call my mom. Duh, like that was a great idea, because with her critical demeanor, she most always makes me feel worse, which happened today. So I put everything away, took a shower, read a little bit, and then took a nap. Now I feel really hot, I don't think I have a fever though. Plus I feel really drained! Yuck, I hate when I get like this, really over nothing. A stupid lawnmower wheel. When I told Ben about it, he acted irritated, like it was my fault, like I was inept and didn't do anything around here. That made me mad but now I am doing better, I guess. Hopefully I can get my dad to fix the stupid wheel tomorrow and get it done before it rains. I am starting to feel a little more relaxed now, I hope everything will work out, currently and in my life in general. My PCP wants to see me, I am due for a checkup and she wants to switch around some of my meds, which might be very helpful. I need to call tomorrow and make an appointment.