Monday, September 27, 2004

Feeling okay..............

This title thing is weird.........like I can't always think of a title every time..........oh, well. Things went ok this weekend, I guess. Ben didn't get home until like 7 last night. We talked on his cell phone all of yesterday, though, and argued the whole time. Sometimes I feel like I just don't say the right words to him, I mean something and he thinks I mean something totally different. Like for instance, he thinks going to strip clubs is not cheating. For obvious reasons, I feel differently. And then he got angry at me because he thought I meant it was okay for women to go to them but not men. And that is not what I meant, I don't agree with anyone going to them, I think it is a form of cheating no matter who you are. Finally I got him to understand what I meant but it was like, geez. Communication block from hell.

Okay, well, I am going on vacation on Wed, Thurs., Fri. Going to Lancaster. Hope it turns out okay. I am going to be meeting Ben's old friends.............kind of upset that I am fat........and not where I was weight wise this time last year......I just wish most of all that I didn't feel like a failure............why, why, oh why can't I be thin? I wish I could control my weight so my appearance would make me happy and proud! Having a writer's block of some sort tonight, I will try to write tomorrow.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Where do I go from here??

Well, I am trying to figure out where to go with my life.............I know I want to actually *do* something, have a career that I like............but what? And how do I get there? I feel like I could be so successful, I know I will, once I find my true calling there will be no stopping me........
I wish I could get more motivation for exercise and eating though..............the motivation I had, last year, was awesome. Well, ok, maybe a little unhealthy but I saw great results! I just want to be healthy............and normal. Why is that so difficult to achieve? Well, now I am rambling because I am getting tired. I have to go fold a load of laundry and then go to bed. I am going to try to write in my blog more often, it might help me! Ta-ta!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

What a day!

Well, here I am, starting my own blog. Got the idea off one of my dear friends! =o) Today was one of those days! Everything was going ok, got up this morning, got my energy level up to go mow the lawn, it is really long. As soon as I started mowing, the damn wheel fell off. I don't know how to fix things like this and, of course, no one was around who could help. I got so frustrated, not just about the wheel but about everything, that I started to cry. It was a really emotional couple of hours. I had a mini temper tantrum, throwing tools and acting like a baby, which I immediately regretted. So, what did I do then? Call my mom. Duh, like that was a great idea, because with her critical demeanor, she most always makes me feel worse, which happened today. So I put everything away, took a shower, read a little bit, and then took a nap. Now I feel really hot, I don't think I have a fever though. Plus I feel really drained! Yuck, I hate when I get like this, really over nothing. A stupid lawnmower wheel. When I told Ben about it, he acted irritated, like it was my fault, like I was inept and didn't do anything around here. That made me mad but now I am doing better, I guess. Hopefully I can get my dad to fix the stupid wheel tomorrow and get it done before it rains. I am starting to feel a little more relaxed now, I hope everything will work out, currently and in my life in general. My PCP wants to see me, I am due for a checkup and she wants to switch around some of my meds, which might be very helpful. I need to call tomorrow and make an appointment.